I wanna have a habit of writing dairy.

Yup. as the title says. The reason why i wanna write because i read a email while clearing my inbox.
guess what? the email was sent 4 years back by 1 of my ex. Her name is JacqTYL.

She is a good companion as well as a sweet girl. The reason why we broke up was entirely my fault.
I had ONS with others and i felt guilty and confess to her. She forgive me and we continued but in the end she told me she still couldn't forget what i had done behind her.

During that time i wasn't a good boyfriend either, not even serious about relationship. So when she suggest a break up, i didnt care either. I continued playing my dota and meet my friends. Not even affecting me a bit. Well sometimes i do think about her and emo-ed for a little while. But i got over it real fast.

Come to think of it my ex and my ex ex and my ex ex ex was really nice girls.
But i guess because of me i kinda changed my ex and my ex ex's lifes.
They somehow changed a little.

Recently was kinda shit as i'm still trying to forget my ex. Kept quiet and busying trying to keep myself busy.
Tmr is her bday and i'm still thinking to buy her a gift. But my friend told me not to. My friend even say that she thought i dont care about her. Well, honestly i care abt her, i think of her every night but i am not in a position to show my care. She has some other guys that massively showing her love and care. I guess she dont even need me. I've been trying to convince myself that if she doesn't care why should i? "This time round i'm not gonna follow my heart. I wanna follow my brain"

The fact is i kind of hurt her, and the reason why we broke up also because she lost trust in me. *Not because i did something behind her.

Come to think of it i really sucks as a boyfriend. :/

Enough of BGR shits.
I wanna do something big ! I wanna open a stall of my own and managing my staff. I do not know where to start and how to start so i'm gonna save moneyyyy and start planning. It had been my dream to open chain stores ( Stalls )
Well i'm not gonna do sales in the next few years ( though i'm good at it ) hehehe

Okay i'm kinda bored of writing. Will continue tomorrow i guess? :)

THIS IS SO FUCK SO FUCK SO FUCK !!
FUCK EVERYTHIGN.!! WHY MUST YOU KEEP ACCUSING ME THINGS I DIDNT DO.
WHATS WRONG WITH JKUST LKOVING YOU?? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG??
WHY DID YOU EVEN EXPECT ME LIKE A BF WHEN WE ALREADY BROKE UP.
WHY MUST UYOI KEEP GIVING ME FALSE HOPE AND DUMPING ME AS WHEN AS YOU LIKE????
WHY THE FUCK MUST I BECOME INVISIBLE JUYST BECAUSE YOU ARE WITH ANOTHER GUY? WHAT THE FUCK AM I
WHAT HAVE I BECOME???
I LET YOU DOWN I DISAPPOINT YOU BUT I HAVE TO SERVE THIS PUNISHMENT WEVERYDAY!! I CANT EVEN SLEEP PROPERLY WITH PEAVE AND EASE!!
I HAD DEBTS BUT I DONT EVEN CARE??!! FUCK EVERYTHING

刚刚你又问我几时不在家。 我好想逃避那个问题。 我知道你真的走了。 。。
我心里感到一阵阵的痛。想来想去，难道一直以来只以为是，以为等时间久了， 你腻了就会回到我身边。
我错了， 一切已经是不可能了。
就算回来了又怎么样？ 不会有分手吗？ 会的， 始终想来想去， 你真的为了和我在一起放弃了很多很多。 我始终还是不可能100% 了解你。
也许我根本不因该做出那个决定。
也或许我们根本不因该在一起。。。

今天见到你没有和我在一起， 你的笑容是我们刚刚在一起的那种。 很灿烂，很单纯， 也很美丽。 我开始反醒了， 我看到你和我在一起时有多么辛苦。 虽然我知道， 我能给的就是那么多， 我又很小气， 很敏感。 动不动就发脾气。
想了又想， 真的， 是我不会诊惜你。 不是你不好， 是我不了解你想要什么。。。

这几个晚上，我还梦到你。 梦着梦着， 好不想起来。
我怕回到现实。 我不敢面对它。
一直欺骗我自己说还有希望的。。。

诗恩， 我好想你，也很爱你。
对不起， 辛苦你了， 让你受委屈了。

我希望你永远开心。
不管和谁在一起都好。

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