You know what?

You know what?

All of a sudden, something hit me.

Do I or do I not have friends? True friends.

Because for certain, when I flipped through my mobile's contact list. I realized, more than three quarters of the people were those I do not even know well. More like, I do not even talk to them or most of the time, I try to start a conversation and fail, likewise vice versa...

Then it dawned on me.

I had Kurogi.

I have you.

But besides you, I have nobody else to talk to.

When I am bored, I resort to asking people for DotA games.

Then it dawned on me again.

Where are the people I used to call a clique?

I wasam alone.

I work 6 days a week, sometimes 7. I have all the money that I can spend. But what do I spend on? Cigarettes. Cab. Mobile top-up cards. Makeup. Less clothes. And a damned family. Where else do I go to? Besides to work and back home. I do not get invitations to outings and gatherings. Or more like, I seem to be only invited because I am with you. Then I am down to watching anime. To make myself seem more occupied. I started to motivate myself into training something to become better, like DotA. Where have I gone so far? Nowhere. I got bored of training alone. Thus, I believe that I cannot achieve anything alone.

When I believed that finally, I had people to talk to. I was happy and excited. And then, I was told, my so-called "mistake" made everybody lose their trust in me. I have no regrets. For my choice made me a happier person, though no longer trustworthy in their eyes. But for certain, I was being isolated again. I am not anti-social. But why is everybody not talking to me?

I am told to be "living in my own world", I do not see the "bigger picture". I had a chance to drive out isolation. A pillar of reliance came. But I chose to move away. For what? For what did I move away for?

Is anything going to change for the better? Or for the worse?

Or am I just going to laugh things off.. Like how I would always do.

One of the best things that happened in my life. Have I told you before? My very first birthday party. Though it was not just mine alone. I was happy. Because I got to see all the people who were friends gathering together to celebrate somebody's birthday. It felt rare and weird but at the same time, there was a special atmosphere to it. When I was young, my birthday was always with my family. There was a cake. Presents. Then when I grew up, it no longer mattered. Not anymore. The entire family was only bothered with: Money. Cake? Lol. Presents? LOL. My first birthday at work. Only one person cared. I had a cake to celebrate with my bosses. Then at the end of the year, that same person had a grander celebration than mine in which most of the people turned up for. People who turned up included whom that person did not even care if they existed. I was envious. I sulked. But who is to blame? Except. Me. I am that much unsignificant anyway. I am told to be contented when I expressed my feelings. If I had only been half as good as that person, maybe I could have had a celebration as grand. But does it matter?

Being isolated is not that bad, deshou? Tell me it is alright.

B.