I haven't had the courage to think about this further, let alone write it out because I am afraid I would cry. Tears have flown. If it is the end, then it is the end. And for the past one month in which Kurogi had spent time with us. I am sure, he had been happy. The same goes for us.
I miss him terribly. So much that it hurts sometimes. To realize that, he will no longer be able to sit on the same cab with us. Sleep on the same bed with us. Eat with us. Play with us. And come to work with me. There will no longer be that tinkling of his collar bell, hearing him run across the road to me. Watching him snuggle up to us because it is cold. Rub his cheek against our legs because he is hungry. There will no longer be a Kurogi, who irritates us most of the time. Bite on your ankles when you are cooking. And causing us so much trouble so often that we got used to it. But at least, they were achievements earned, deshou?
EST 6:00 PM
Raining. Cold weather. Kurogi sleeps under the drain. Refuses to surface.
EST 8:00 PM
Raining. Cold weather. Kurogi reacts to the light I shone into the drain. But still refuses to surface.
EST 10:00 PM
Cold weather. Kurogi wakes up and surfaces from under the drain when I shone the torchlight again. With bird calls.
EST 11:30 PM
Journey home on a cab. Kurogi breathes heavily. Makes hacking sounds. Unable to lie down or stand straight. Wobbly feet.
EST 12:00 AM
Back home. Unable to smell the food through congestion even after wiping away the watery mucus from his nose and mouth. Refuses to eat or drink. Hides under the bed.
EST 12:15 AM
Appears in front of the bedroom's door. Wants to urine but keeps falling down due to wobbly feet.
EST 12:17 AM
Lies under the computer's chair. No longer making heavy breathing sounds. Worried, I touched him for the last time he was alive. For a second, he was breathing. Then continued with jerking motions and struggles to gasp for air. With a last motion, he died. In my hands.
Eyes opened, teeth barring. I am sure that he was in misery down to his last breath. Rigor mortis took place so fast.. Without oxygen and flowing blood, his feet were soon unable to bend.
"For tears won't bring him back to where he was,
For tears won't bring me back what had been lost,
But for certain, my tears did bring me,
Regretful and back to reality."
You told me not to blame myself. But, ask yourself. Who is to blame besides me? It is a good chance to bash myself up because for so long, I have never done my part as a responsible owner. If I had tried, I had a million ways to bring him to the vet. Why didn't I? Why didn't I? I was so heartless as to watch him die. Not even trying to save him though knowing the fact that he was so sick.
It is the second time I have came known that something died in my hands. But I have never expected to see it so real. The last motion. The last cry. The last breath. I will never forget about it for the rest of my life. And I promise Kurogi, that if I am not responsible enough. I will never adopt one of his kind. Ever. Be it any animal. Any pet. Any living thing.
Because, with cute Kurogi comes great responsibility.
Now all I am left with.. Is his collar and the scratch marks which I hope will never disappear, to remind me.
B.
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